-
Janus: Looking back, Looking Ahead
30 August 2023

The Madbury Reservoir starting to look autumnal The last humanities course I taught at UNH in the spring of 2020—which with the arrival of COVID at mid-semester unexpectedly became the last semester in my 43 years of teaching—was HUMA 513, an interdisciplinary introduction to the modern world. As the HUMA team prof covering the literary beat, I referred repeatedly to the Roman deity Janus, the god with two faces, one looking forward and one looking backward, my attempt at a mnemonic device to help students both think back to historical precursors shaping the arrival of modern drama, poetry, and the novel, and also think ahead to what these (to the students, “ancient”) texts would lead. We went from Wycherley’s 1675 The Country Wife to Sheridan’s 1777 School for Scandal, from Wordsworth and Coleridge’s 1798 Lyrical Ballads to Shelley’s 1818 Frankenstein, finally arriving at Ibsen’s 1879 A Doll’s House. Saying when, exactly, the modern world materialized is, of course, an academic debate shifting over time. When I was in graduate school in the late 1970’s/early 1980’s, the historical period in which I specialized was mostly known as the Renaissance, a label looking backward to the “rebirth” and influence of the re-discovered classical world. The Renaissance was, however, soon re-branded as “early modern,” looking forward from those early texts toward what was to come.

Goldenrod and grasses at Gnawwood Having slipped the surly bonds of academia, I’ve been feeling pretty Janus-faced myself of late. Partly I’ve been looking forward, among other things, to the new cultural season approaching; I’ve gotten my 2024 calendars and filled in dates to avoid double-booking upcoming performances in Boston and environs. I‘ve counted down the payments left before our home’s mortgage is paid off, and renewed my driver’s license for another five years. But looking forward also means thinking about the “mort” in mortgage, lists of things to do, and some things one must do, while there is still time. My new driver’s license will expire in 2028, though because I renewed online, the photo on it remains, Dorian Gray-like, the same. What’s my expiry date, I wonder? Tonight is the first super blue moon since 2009, and the next won’t occur until 2037. Actuarial tables suggest I’ll still be around in 14 more years, but in what condition? I’ve come a long way from What Color is Your Parachute; now the parachute I most often contemplate has a lot more to do with being mortal, and bailing out when the time is right.

Hope to view a super blue moon like this tonight Still, this day has given me reason to be less morbid. My house cleaner Sarah called this morning to say that her truly malevolent landlord has been bested by the redoubtable former NH district court judge Atty. Bill Shaheen, who took her case and stood up for Sarah pro bono. Bobbie at Regan Electric called to let me know I could pick up the ginger jar lamp I’d had since 1974, now endowed with a new switch; I wouldn’t have to discard it for lack of anyone still willing to make that simple repair (thank you, Charlie, who rescued me from the much less accommodating Rockingham Electric). My ailing sister and her family in Safety Harbor suffered no harm from Hurricane Idalia, which last night seemed so threatening. And my former International Research Opportunities Program student, Procheta, responded to my happy birthday wishes from the beaches at Harihareshwar and Aravi in Maharashtra, India with both photos of him and his wife Sugandha on holiday at the shore and a shot of the birthday cake with which Sugandha surprised the birthday boy sitting improbably on the dunes. Procheta’s delight, shared simultaneously with me via WhatsApp (which Procheta taught me to use back when I attended their Bengaluru wedding in 2019), brought back the enormous joy I felt then, a gift of his family’s extraordinary hospitality as I visited beautiful Karnataka on my solo passage to and from India.

Sugandha and Procheta’s wedding, Bengaluru, 22 Dec 2019 
Birthday Boy Procheta and Sugandha visit the Indian shore, 30 August 2023 Still weirdly attached to Tom Hanks thanks to my recent absurdly blissful dream about him, I’ve been working my way through his extensive filmography these past few nights: Philadelphia, Captain Phillips, and, last night, Cast Away. I’d forgotten that the film is NOT titled Castaway, and so missed the enormous importance of that caesura. The Hanks character was indeed cast away, but finally did NOT despair, but rather made the best use of what WAS cast away (ice skates, the memorable Wilson, and the love of his life), including the angel-winged package that “saved his life” and led him to the hopeful crossroad in the last frame of the film. See this film, Dear Reader. Well worth re-visiting.

Hanks as Chuck Noland in the 2000 Zemeckis film In my darker mood earlier in the week, I’d been thinking of another script, Tennessee Williams’s 1961 play Night of the Iguana and the 1964 film John Huston made of it, most specifically the poem it contains that I was surprised to discover I had mostly memorized:
How calmly does the olive branch
Observe the sky begin to blanch
Without a cry, without a prayer
With no betrayal of despairSome time while light obscures the tree
The zenith of its life will be
Gone past forever
And from thence
A second history will commenceA chronicle no longer gold
A bargaining with mist and mold
And finally the broken stem
The plummeting to earth, and thenAn intercourse not well designed
For beings of a golden kind
Whose native green must arch above
The earth’s obscene corrupting loveAnd still the ripe fruit and the branch
Observe the sky begin to blanch
Without a cry, without a prayer
With no betrayal of despairOh courage! Could you not as well
Select a second place to dwell
Not only in that golden tree
But in the frightened heart of me?Yes, the darkness falls earlier now as we reach September, and what’s to come is still unsure. But there’s great pleasure both in looking back and looking forward—to the ties that bind over time and distance, and to the coming beauty of another New England autumn.

The other day I discovered that my Silver Brocade bromeliad, which last bloomed at David’s memorial in October 2019, had found a reason to bloom again. No betrayal of despair there. Carpe diem.

Happy Birthday, Procheta! -
Thanks, Mr. Hanks
22 August 2023

Young Tom Hanks, image from the 2014 Kennedy Center Honors Melissa Kirsch had a nice NYT piece last Saturday morning on “post-vacation clarity,” the fresh perspective one brings home from even a little time away from one’s accustomed place and routine. But I owe the fresh perspective I woke with that morning to Tom Hanks, or at least to the Tom Hanks onto whom I’ve projected another persona, the one who inspired the giddy, “On the Street Where You Live,” I’m-in-love-and-miracle-of-miracles-he’s-in-love-with-me, “corny as Kansas in August” elation I felt for the only time in my life when in the fall of 1990 my then-colleague, later-husband, now four years gone, followed me home from the British Library to sit at the wobbly table in the kitchen of my rented Balcombe Street flat to declare he was helplessly and forever in love with me.
So, what has Tom Hanks to do with this delight redux? Well, I’d just finished reading Hank’s new novel, The Making of Another Major Motion Picture Masterpiece, which is a lot of fun. And—like most people—I’ve always enjoyed Hanks’s performance in all the many films of his I’ve seen. But more importantly, whenever I’ve seen or heard Hanks being Hanks—on Letterman’s show, giving a commencement address, or substituting for Peter Segal on the NPR game show Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me—I’ve not only registered his quick, well spoken, intelligent wit, but a mischievous glint in his hazel eyes that reminds me of my David, a look a mutual friend of ours once described as “good-naturedly diabolical.”
While not fully subscribing to the accuracy of horoscopes, when I first learned that my David’s birthday was 13 July, my only thought was “Oh, oh,” as the only serious boyfriend I’d had before—ever since known as the Bad Boyfriend—was born on 15 July. So I wasn’t surprised when after Saturday morning’s crazy, absurd-but-exhilarating dream, I learned Hanks’s birthday is 9 July. Another Cancer. Check.
Most details of my just-barely asleep fantasy of unexpectedly, impossibly finding true love with Tom Hanks (!) faded soon after waking. But still, till day’s end, the afterglow remained, that tsunami of joy, hope, and gratitude I thought I’d never feel again, the rush of dopamine or oxytocin or whatever hormonal endorphins flood the brain at those few very happiest moments of life. I didn’t know I still had it in me. But Hanks, playing for a limited engagement and a very private audience the role of my darling David, deliriously in love with me, let me know I did, recovering for one happy day that lightning in a bottle the brain, apparently, can retrieve.
The other night I watched Jerry Seinfeld and David Letterman interview each other on an episode of Letterman’s My Next Guest Needs No Introduction. Letterman kept downplaying the worth of what he’d spent his life doing, but Seinfeld wouldn’t let him get away with it. Giving people joy, even for a little while taking them happily out of usual concerns and worries, Seinfeld insisted, is the best gift one can bestow. And I think he’s right.
So. Thanks, Mr. Hanks, for reminding me of the upside of being human, and the imperishable joy of loving and being loved in return.

The gallabia DSA, c. 1993 -
On Wisconsin, Part 2 4 August 2023

“Pat’s Place” at the Spring Valley Inn near Spring Green WI: pure Taliesin The drive west from Portage to Spring Green, Wisconsin takes about an hour and a quarter, and on Wednesday the 26th, the louring skies made the passing fields look preternaturally green.

Lower Wisconsin River Valley farmland At noon I reached the Spring Valley Inn, first designed in the early 1990’s by the Taliesin and Frank Lloyd Wright Foundation as a visitor’s center and later purchased by the current owners, John and Patricia Rasmussen, who along with Charles Montooth, apprentice to Wright and member of the Taliesin Associated Architects, turned that visitor’s center into the Inn’s handsome reception area and lounge, constructed the extant 35-room hotel, and in 1994 adding a capacious indoor pool and conference room. All the furniture and appointments were designed by Taliesin architect James Pfefferkorn and built by local Master Craftsman Rick Kraemer. For Wright aficionados, this is certainly the RIGHT place to be.

Spring Valley Inn 
Even the wall-mounted door stops are pure Frank Lloyd Wright After a quick look around, I used the time before check-in to scout out the nearby House on the Rock Resort where we were to have dinner and to locate both the American Players Theatre (APT) and nearby Taliesin East.

The Visitor Center at Taliesin East . . . 
. . . with a characteristically low-ceiling entrance That accomplished, I had a fine lunch at the General Store just off the railroad tracks in Spring Green, a tiny town of some 1500 (even smaller than Madbury’s 1900) where the fire station, bank, and at least one private home were clearly under the FLW influence.

Spring Green residence 
Spring Green’s BMO Harris Bank Once friends Charlotte and Ed arrived at the Inn, we went off to an early dinner at the House on the Rock Resort,

400 Springs Restaurant at the House on the Rock Resort 
Salmon and a really nice kale risotto and then on to a production of Our Town at the APT’s outdoor Hill Theatre.
Charlotte had never seen Thornton Wilder’s play, and while we all thought this production quite fine, I regret it didn’t come close to the devastating David Cromer production I saw in the 199-seat Barrow Street Theatre in 2009. In fact, even this clip of that show (http://www.barrowstreettheatre.com/about-us/past-productions/our-town) I found online just a few minutes ago still brings tears to my eyes. As my late UNH theatre colleague John Edwards once pointed out, theatre space is everything, and in fact, when I later took my husband David to see the Cromer production then playing in Boston, it did not have the same effect on me or the audience. That night in the West Village just off Washington Square may be the single most powerful performance of anything I have ever seen. With the house lights up throughout, David Cromer, who both directed and played the Stage Manager, was like the rest of the cast within easy reach of the audience; there was no hiding anyone’s emotion on stage or off. The young woman sitting in front of me, seemingly on a date with her equally young escort, was embarrassed by her so-visible tears at the end of act two’s wedding, and no one made it dry-eyed through the final act and Emily’s epiphany inspired by revisiting a single seemingly unimportant morning past, its precious evanescence recaptured and for once observed in perspective by Emily and audience alike. In that production, staged as scripted with minimal set, props, and mimed actions, the curtains at the back of the thrust stage suddenly revealed behind a hitherto unseen proscenium arch a kitchen scene utterly realistically realized by period costumes, lighting, and box set complete with working stove and real bacon sizzling and scenting the theatre air: a real coup de théâtre. Just remembering that darling boy playing Emily’s young brother Wally, dead of an appendix burst on a camping trip, wearing his Boy Scout uniform, sitting in his chair/grave among the dead, moves me to tears even now. No re-living that moment, I guess.
Even so, I think it a better play than my friends do, and we had a jolly argument about its themes the next morning at breakfast, all of us grumpy from a less than satisfying sleep. How delightful to disagree without rancor among dear friends! Charlotte’s objections forced me to formulate a defense of the script I’d never before thought through: the conversational dialectic at work as it should be. How I wish political divides could be similarly enlightening!

American Players Theatre set for OUR TOWN After breakfast we headed out to Taliesin East for a two-hour tour led by a very well-informed and appealing docent, Ben, a Wisconsin-born farm boy (he reported he’d done his share of tasseling the corn crop) transplanted to NYC. A shuttle bus drove us around the Taliesin property, now a UNESCO World Heritage Site, and Ben led us through both the Hillside Studio and Taliesin itself.

Hillside Studio at Taliesin East 
Dining room at Hillside Studio, with lighting fixtures designed by Taliesin apprentices 
The tour group was a singularly knowledgeable one, too, which was great: one young woman was clearly a Wright scholar, and another older woman was coincidentally not only from New Hampshire, but a docent at the Zimmerman home, one of Wright’s Usonian houses now owned by the Currier Museum in Manchester.

The “abstract forest” of the Hillside drafting studio I’d prepared for the tour by reading T. Coraghessan Boyle’s historical novel The Women about the four most important women in FLW’s life, his three wives—Catherine (Kitty) Tobin, Maude Miriam Noel, and Olgivanna Lazovich Milanoff—and his mistress, Mamah Borthwick Cheney, infamously murdered at Taliesin along with her children and four others when servant Julian Carlton set the place on fire in 1914 and dispatched its occupants with an ax as they fled the burning structure. The rest of my knowledge of FLW came by way of my late husband, architectural historian David Andrew, an authority on FLW’s first employer, the equally renowned Louis “form follows function” Sullivan. So, this tour was both of great interest to me and somewhat haunted.

Approach to Taliesin, the “Shining Brow” on the hill 
The hearth at Taliesin, with portrait of FLW’s mother, Anna Lloyd Jones Wright 
A gift from Louis Sullivan, a tile like a “delirious tossed salad” (Andrew) 
Living room table 
Taliesin corridor 
Charlotte in the garden 
Music room–with music stand impossible to use 
The last Mrs. Wright’s bedroom My conclusion: FLW was indeed a talented visionary, as well as a supreme narcissist; standing only 5’6,” the architect placed many ceilings at Taliesin at so low an elevation that even I (5’8”) felt compelled to stoop. My David always said “his mother loved him,” and that set him up to believe himself a Great Man well before he established for himself such a reputation. “Early in life,” he said, “I had to choose between honest arrogance and hypocritical humility. I chose the former and have seen no reason to change.”

FLW’s signature tile at Taliesin David and I once spent the night in upstate New York’s 19th-century experimental utopian community, Oneida, where John Humphrey Noyes (1811-1886) and his followers pursued his radical notions of perfectionism, including free love, then regarded with the same suspicion and disdain the local Spring Green populace later felt for the adulterous relationship of Mamah Cheney (1869-1914) and Frank Lloyd Wright (1967-1959). The structures we saw on the tour dated from 1902, 1911, 1932, and 1952, so my experience of Taliesin and Boyle’s well-researched novel together brought to mind not only Oneida and the social experiments of the early twentieth-century, but also the 1960’s and our own current culture wars. Historical perspective: another perk of travel.

Wright’s beautiful view 
After a refreshing swim in the Inn’s lovely pool while my friends explored Spring Green’s amenities, we all returned to the American Players Theatre with a pre-performance picnic (from Wander Provisions in Spring Green) to enjoy on theatre grounds amply furnished with sheltered picnic tables and piped-in classical music.

The pool at the Spring Valley Inn 
Charlotte happy with her salad from Wander Provisions 
Picnic at the APT with Ed The Merry Wives of Windsor, one Shakespeare play I’d never seen played (and, frankly, didn’t think much of) was brilliantly, hilariously produced. How the actors in their elaborate costumes (Falstaff in a fat suit, no doubt) kept from fainting as they bustled about in the 93o heat, I can’t imagine, but the play was fantastic, rollicking fun: just the ticket after the beautiful, sober modernity of Taliesin.
Next morning my friends headed back to Iowa City and I drove east to Milwaukee, with a brief stop in Madison to visit the U of Wisconsin’s fine Chazen art museum and remark on the symbolic layout alumnus Ed had made clear to me: The Capitol on unimpeded axis with the central University campus: learning and government on equal footing. Would that balancing act still obtained across our nation.

Chazen Museum of Art at the University of Wisconsin-Madison 
Wall hanging by El Anatsui (Danu, 2006), made of aluminum cans and copper wire 

Capitol connection with Wisconsin campus A big storm arrived at my airport Hyatt shortly after I’d cozily settled in there, and the next morning my flight took off right on time, delivered me to Orlando for a layover long enough to have a leisurely dinner and finish the Boyle novel before finally arriving back in Manchester around 1 am Sunday morning.

MKE airport in the rain from the Airport Hyatt As I finally climbed gratefully into my own Madbury bed, I thought how fortunate my travels had been, and how lucky I am to have such family and friends. As always after a journey away, I recognized that truly there’s no place like home.

The Wisconsin River, seen from the Taliesin gift shop, just keeps rollin’ along -
On Wisconsin, Part 1, 2 August 2023

Wisconsin storage for those amber waves of grain I returned from my Wisconsin visit to family and friends very early last Sunday morning after a too-long layover in Orlando (consider the carbon footprint of getting from Milwaukee to Manchester NH via Orlando!) and a flight delayed by thunderstorms up and down the east coast. When I woke later that morning and parted the bedroom curtains to peer out on the deck below, I found our resident groundhog sitting in my Adirondack chair enjoying the view, lacking only a cigar to complete the anthropomorphic vision of nature reclaiming her own. I’d been gone only a week, but clearly the groundhog had already staked his proprietary claim.
I was congratulating myself on once again successfully negotiating the challenges of solo travel, making only minor mistakes. Mistake #1: I lost a corkscrew to TSA at the Milwaukee airport, having forgotten I had zipped it into one of my Baggallini’s pockets as a possible necessity for the previous Thursday’s pre-theatre picnic at the American Players Theatre in Spring Green. Rendered superfluous by a screw-top, this potential weapon unfortunately remained in my purse, and proved hard to find: it took three passes through the x-ray machine and two agents to locate exactly in which of the bag’s many pockets it was hiding. (Unsurprising, since I have had similar issues with this designated travel purse.) Mistake #2: I temporarily confused the Madison parking garage ticket in my wallet with the Manchester parking garage ticket; at that point, I’d been traveling for fourteen hours and it was 1 AM, so I give myself a pass on that one, too. It wasn’t till the next day when I read the emailed Dollar rental car receipt that I spied the more expensive error: I’d forgotten to gas up the Nissan before I returned it, a pricey error at $10.66/gallon. Oops. Well, it’s only money.
All in all, I grant myself a passing grade—an evaluative process I never thought necessary before I turned 70. Now, I’m constantly assessing slippage, both cognitive and physical (and the combination of both, as in paying no attention while walking downstairs wearing clogs and carrying a laundry basket, mistaking the penultimate for the ultimate step and consequently breaking an ankle). The takeaway: I won’t make THAT (fill in most recent) mistake again.

The Saddle Ridge Marina, Portage WI On my last year’s visit to Reed and Jan in Portage WI I’d not rented a car, but relied instead on the largesse of my nephew Rob’s driving service. Maybe because I chatting more than observing last year, I was at the time less impressed by the expansive beauty of Wisconsin’s farmland, so very different from New Hampshire vistas narrowed by road-encroaching forests.

Wide-open space and big sky A year’s passing did not, however, lessen my in-laws’ generous hospitality: Reed and Jan’s welcome was warm as ever, and visiting niece and nephew Pam and Rob made conditions ripe for family stories and a wealth of dad jokes, one of Reed’s specialties. I was happy to have one to contribute: the Wisconsin license plate slogan that didn’t make it to the plate: “Smell My Dairy Air.”

A slogan that DID make it to TM 
Jan’s Rudbeckia on the dining table Staying in someone’s home for three days (testing the Ben Franklin-suggested limit comparing fish with guests) means 24/7 proximity that can, in odd moments, produce surprising results. On this visit I was particularly aware of tech-enhanced connections; we were all often on our devices, and just as often sharing what we found there.

Reed, Jan, and Pam Rob, entertaining us with top ten pop hits from 1967 played on his phone, inspired me to (shamelessly) sing along, rather amazing myself that I effortlessly remembered the words to every single song, definitely revealing my vintage. Best of all, nephew Rob and his nephew in New Zealand, Rudyard, respectively turned 56 and 38 at the same time—despite their birthdays being one day apart. Thank you, international date line.

Rudyard’s birthday cake, baked by his kids: M&Ms on top and
Skittles in the middleThe magic of a video call linking time zones meant that I could also sing happy birthday to my great nephew in New Zealand—and realize that I was, in fact, Great Aunt Georgy. How august! (And how reminiscent of Aunt Augusta, Lady Bracknell of Wilde’s inimitable Importance of Being Earnest). That group chat was great fun. Cleaning up dishes with sister-in-law Jan and niece Pam introduced me to the wonders of Norwex cleaning cloths, and all the family persuaded me, decidedly NOT a card player, to learn and enjoy a couple games of Sequence. We made a pilgrimage to the Sassy Cow for signature tomato soup, grilled cheese, and ice cream.



Fellow ice cream aficionada at the Sassy Cow Jan’s flowers delighted, . . .

Jan’s zinnias, a personal favorite . . . the Sandhill cranes made their customarily terrifying Velociraptor calls,

No mistaking this crane’s dinosaur provenance . . . and I got a ride in Rob’s hot Mustang—as well as an inscribed copy of his book, A Life of Service to the United States of America, an oral history of his foreign service assignments in Mexico, Russia, Costa Rica, and Sweden.

Andrew hot wheels: no cooked food allowed inside to preserve
that new car smellI first met Rob in London in 1991 when he was on leave from his combat tour in the Gulf War, and since his retirement from diplomatic service, he’s been teaching foreign policy at the University of Oklahoma. Getting a briefing from Rob on China, Russia, and the war in Ukraine over breakfast with the family made my last morning in Portage especially memorable. I was happy to hear Rob’s take on Volodymyr Zelenskyy: “A cross between George Washington and Winston Churchill.”

My Andrew family, Rob, Reed, Jan, and Pam 
Special departure breakfast prepared by Brother Reed Well loved and well fed, I departed Portage and set out for Spring Green, a reunion with dear friends from my days at Centre College, the American Players Theatre, and Frank Lloyd Wright’s Taliesin East. More adventures to come!

John Deere as play structure: sweet! -
A glooming peace this morning with it brings / 26 Jan 2023

Post-plow mess in Madbury (trekking pole 4’3″ long) I woke yesterday to what had become the unaccustomed sound of silence from our propane-guzzling generator, which had been running non-stop from 4-something am Monday morning until 2 .07 am Wednesday morning, powering enough circuits to keep heat on and water flowing throughout the most recent if long delayed snow storm of the season. How very unfortunate that power and other lines were never buried when first installed in heavily forested New Hampshire! For a time in the last couple of days, I’ve been without landline, cell service, or internet, cut off from all the “modern conveniences” save for the most helpful if noisy and stinky generator which also kept my groceries from spoiling—unlike the local Market Basket, where after more than 48 hours without refrigeration, perishables could no longer be sold. I shudder to think of all the good food that has gone to waste.
The Year of the Rabbit had gotten off to a fine start on Saturday, 21 January, the lunar new year’s eve when I once again had the privilege of enjoying a dumpling dinner and lively conversation with long-time friends Shiao-Ping and Brian and newer acquaintances Fran and Phil.

Shiao-Ping and Brian make dumplings for new year’s dinner 
“Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!” Then on Sunday, I was equally privileged to attend the Emerson Quartet’s final performance in Boston’s Jordan Hall, an ambitious program that included two pieces played by the three original Quartet’s members Eugene Drucker (violin), Philip Setzer (violin), and Lawrence Dutton (viola) in 1976 when they were just, as Setzer said, “a baby quartet”: Bartόk’s String Quartet No. 2 and Beethoven’s String Quartet No. 8 in E minor, Op. 59, no. 2 “Razumovsky.” Cellist Paul Watkins joined the Emerson in 2013, himself now a veteran of a decade’s playing together.

The afternoon was understandably nostalgic, as the Quartet will give its final performance together in New York City in October 2023, and their Jordan Hall appearance—the 27th—was their last in Boston. Violinist Drucker’s notes on the first movement of the Bartόk capture the mood: “There are many forceful, defiant moments, alternating with phrases of bittersweet tenderness, but something has happened to the flow of the music. It stops and starts, changes tempo and character often without a feeling of transition or resolution. These fragments are sometimes simplified, sometimes exaggerated, sometimes grotesque—they point in many different directions but don’t really go anywhere. Together they form a mosaic of nostalgia and despair.” Also on the program: George Walker’s Lyric for Strings, a brief piece ending “in serene resignation” (Susan Halpern) and Shostakovich’s String Quartet No. 12 in D-flat Major, Op. 133, also “full of despair” (Halpern). The slow movement of the Beethoven Op. 59, no. 2, Molto adagio, Beethoven said, is to be played “with much sentiment,” adding to the bittersweet resonances of a performance completed with Dvořák’s wistful Cypresses No. 7.
Ay, me. Even my favorite parking venue serving the New England Conservatory and Symphony Hall, the Midtown hotel, is (according to friendly desk clerk Mark) slated to be razed to make way for a new apartment complex. And by the time I pulled out onto Huntington Avenue, the snow had begun.

The Emerson Quartet, Final Performance in Jordan Hall, Boston
22 Jan 2023
(photo by Robert Torres)I just barely beat home that Sunday snowstorm, and by early Monday morning, power and landlines were down in New Hampshire. Even the day was dark. My friend Diane, saddened by her father’s recent passing, emailed right before I lost internet service that she can for now continue her break from chemotherapy, her good news mixed with sad.
Then post-storm on Tuesday I visited briefly with my friend Jack down the street, who had just that day begun hospice care. Himself a surgeon, Jack is a wry stoic and seems somewhat bemused by the complexities of 21st century dying, complaining without rancor that it seemed an awfully elaborate business. “The Eskimos had the right idea,” he said, and quipped that the installation of a chair lift in their home’s staircase constitutes the most expensive travel he’s ever undertaken given the duration of the trip. Ours was a calm, gratifying, and plain-dealing conversation even as Jack’s harried wife negotiated calls about medications with only spotty cell service, the land line down and power still out, conditions of course augmenting her anxiety. I reported to Jack the success of my recent Mohs surgery, and voiced my own practical concerns about being mortal: who will look after all of us boomers, the “pig in the python” generation, arriving more or less simultaneously at the terminus? Who can say?
Returning home to the roar of our generator, I decided to seek distraction elsewhere, though my choice of diversion could hardly lift one’s spirits. It didn’t. The film Women Talking is based on the 2018 novel of the same name by Miriam Toews, in turn inspired by real-life events that occurred at the ultraconservative Mennonite Mantiba Colony in Bolivia, where between 2005 and 2009 more than 100 girls and women were raped at night in their homes by a group of colony men who sedated them with animal anesthetic. The youngest victim was three years old, and the oldest was 65. The newly released 2022 American film written and directed by Sarah Polley reimagines a group of colony women, all kept uneducated without schooling and illiterate, gathering secretly to discuss the nighttime attacks they have suffered, and to decide on a course of action. The cast (most notably Claire Foy, Jessie Buckley, and Ben Whishaw, with Frances McDormand, also a producer, in a lesser role) give extraordinary, haunting performances of Polley’s remarkable screenplay, a horrifying, unforgettable story ultimately a paean to female strength and solidarity. With its very limited run at the local Regal Cinema complex, and preceded by appallingly crass trailers of loud, candy-colored, violent, BORING Marvel Universe films and also-ran so-called “blockbuster” movies, Women Talking felt all the more extraordinary and important, finally disturbing and inspiring in equal measure.

By 2.07 am Wednesday morning, the power was back on here in Madbury and quotidian life resumed despite a second though not so wet and heavy snowfall.

A rafter of turkey hens post storm . . . 
or would “coven” be the better word? I took up routine again–not, however, unaltered by re-acquaintance with Ultimate Things, my recent experience shaped by consummate artistry and the courage of friends.
-
Submechaniphobia 15 January 2023

Wendy, submerged in a plane in Jordan–yikes! My friend Wendy is a fearless adventurer, downhill skier, and scuba aficionado, in addition to her many other accomplished roles including art historian, curator, and first-class cook. I already knew that when yesterday this photo showed up in my email linked to a Facebook post she had made: Wendy inside a Lockheed L1011 air intake on the sea floor in Jordan.
This image terrifies on so many levels—some more obvious than others. Airplanes should be either in the air or on the ground, not under water. And as for posing while scuba diving inside a sunken plane’s air intake: that’s pushing the “air intake” metaphor to its literal limit in my book. Just the thought of scuba makes me claustrophobic. If you want a safe but heightened taste of that phobia, watch Ron Howard’s excellent 2022 film Thirteen Lives, based on the true story of the 2018 mission to rescue 12 boys and their soccer coach from Thailand’s flooded Tham Luang Nang Non cave system. Holy cow.
For me, Wendy’s photo also rhymes experientially with two other direct encounters of the scarifying sublime. Looking down into a Hoover Dam spillway on one of our many visits to the desert southwest really gave me the willies. And artist Nari Ward’s Nu Colossus (2011), part of Ward’s “Sub Mirage Lignum” installation at MASS MoCA (2 April 2011-4 March 2012) had an awful allure.

Hoover Dam spillway 
Nari Ward’s Nu Colossus (2011), MASS MoCa The form of Nu Colossus came from the small conical basket-woven fish traps used in Ward’s native Jamaica; fish are lured into these traps only to get ensnared once inside. Ward’s leviathan 60-foot long sculpture, a whirlwind on its side, appears to have sucked in random bits of weathered furniture—and threatens the viewer in much the same uncanny way.

Ward’s Nu Colossus from behind As for the Hoover Dam spillway, a terrestrial undertow that so creeped me out that I vividly recall its alarming gravitational pull decades later, it took my searching the Internet for a picture of it to discover that there’s a Reddit community devoted to sharing images prompting “the fear of partially or fully submerged man-made objects.” Ah, so! There’s a word for the sensation Wendy’s dive, the Hoover dam spillway, and Ward’s Colossus all evoke in me: submechaniphobia! And it’s curious how absent the “man-made” aspect, approaching the lower depths does NOT scare me, not even the 755-foot descent into Carlsbad Caverns that my husband and I managed to hike back in March of 2016. What’s the deal with that?

Entrance to Carlsbad Caverns, New Mexico 
Intrepid Spelunker, 14 March 2016 
Emerging from Carlsbad Cavern (or Dante’s Inferno?) I’m wondering, too, how much agency versus being pulled against one’s will into the vortex has to do with this phobia. At 70, the allegorical vortex I fear is the Charybdis of dementia, the slow sucking away of cognition. I feel its tug when I think of a thing and cannot come up with the word for it. Most recently, that was the “abacus” that appeared in an early morning dream. Why an abacus? And why couldn’t I think of that word until later that day? Even in the dream I was struggling to name what I saw before me, an oblong frame with rows of wires along which counting beads are slid. Dreaming is a favorite hobby these days: I’m fascinated by the self-generated stories that retirement affords me the leisure to enjoy, however much they sometimes disturb.

This morning I awoke in a coil (Ah! There’s that sucking circle again!) about someone’s taking over my Centre College office in the Norton Center for the Arts back in Danville, Kentucky, an office I left voluntarily almost 28 years ago. I had loved that nicely appointed peach-colored space with its Taliesen floor-to-ceiling one-way glass window, a far cry from the bull pen stall afforded Tulane teaching assistants from which I had graduated. Coming back to the comfortable present after that dreamed distress took quite a bit of calming concentration. I certainly had agency back then, but I reckon the sense of loss remains.
Then, too, I think this morning I was still under the influence of A Man Called Otto, the new Tom Hanks film I saw last night with its moving and rather-too-recognizable portrait of a bereaved husband so eager to join the spouse he lost that only his new neighbor (played for maximum warmth by Mariana Treviño) can pull him back into living life. Or again, maybe my dream was the spell cast by the imminent 65th birthday of my “baby” sister, the occasion sucking me back into the past.

Valentine’s Day 1958, Georgy (5) and Baby Jane (3 weeks) Still, the trigger could even be the box of past vacation folders I am slowly sorting and mostly discarding, activity simultaneously pulling me back in time and making me chary of what lies ahead.
But really: submechaniphobia? Bah! As the Irishman I once stopped on the road to Kinsale to ask directions replied, “You’re here now, right?”
Indeed. And here now is just fine.
-
Twelfth Night January 6, 2023

Last stand for the 2022 Christmas tree In the past, Epiphany has evoked for me many things beyond the charming tale of the three wise men (the assistant magus, the associate magus, and the full magus as Garrison Keillor once told the story) paying homage to the newborn king of the Jews. As an English major, I was taught to associate an epiphany with James Joyce, but came also to celebrate it as the birthday of two close friends, Sandy in Virginia and Marianne in Munich, as well as the beginning of Carnival season in New Orleans with its traditional weekly round of king cakes. And, of course, one of Shakespeare’s sweetest, funniest, most poignant plays about (among other things) patient, devoted, selfless love finally rewarded: Twelfth Night.
In the past two years, however, Twelfth Night has conjured not the Christmas revels of happy times, but the January 6 insurrection, the domestic equivalent of 9/11, a shameful, painful day on which our hard-won democracy nearly toppled. And now, this 6 January, that date evokes a tale of TWO insurrections, this one internal and conducted by the wing nut Republicans on a 4th day of the House’s failure to elect a speaker and begin conducting the nation’s business. As I type this the House has just completed its 13th ballot, with McCarthy falling three votes short of the gavel. I quail at the concessions he has made to the lunatic fringe of his party. Of the 147 Republicans who initially voted to overturn the 2020 presidential election results, many remain in the House divided, including Kevin McCarthy, himself an election denier. So, McCarthy’s humiliating struggle to become Speaker grows less and less reason for schadenfreude as he moves closer and closer to attaining his goal.
There is, however, an enjoyable, almost Dante-esque contrapasso in the current proceedings, with this sinner’s crime against elections earning him an equal and fitting punishment. As Jon Stewart apparently tweeted this morning, this is CNN’s Best Season Ever!

Me, I’ll be enjoying the last night of our library illuminated by 2022’s Christmas trees, one decorated with ornaments collected over many years and one with cards from friends far and near. And, perhaps, I’ll have that last piece of Danish kringle from Wisconsin as a special, celebratory dispensation from new year’s resolutions on this snowy Twelfth Night.

A bit of Florida inside 
A white Twelfth Night outside -
Remembering Virginia

Virginia, 31, at the beach with Georgy, 19 months, June 1954 At 5.15 on the evening of 2 January 2008, my mother, Virginia Ruth Senseman Murphy, departed this dimension six months shy of her 85th birthday. On this evening almost exactly 15 years later, I am missing her, but recalling lines from Will It Be Okay?, Crescent Dragonwagon’s 1977 picture book classic in which a worried young daughter’s questions are answered by her wise mother. Recently published in a new edition illustrated by Jessica Love, those characters’ ultimate exchange in their loving catechism comes to mind.
The fearful child asks:
“What if you die?”
Her mother answers:
“My loving doesn’t die. It stays with you, as warm as two pairs of mittens, one pair on top of the other. When you remember you and me, you say: What can I do with so much love? I will have to give some away.”
How fortunate to have so wise a mother!
I did. I do.

Georgy and Virginia, c. 1957 
Hibiscus blooming in New Hampshire, 2 January 2023


























